Birds and Bees
by red champagne
Summary: Birds peck. Bees sting. And the talk just plain hurts. Adopted a plot bunny from the Naruto Plot Bunny Orphanage! Oneshot no pairing Rated to be safe. Epilogue added!
1. Chapter 1

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.**_

"This is stupid." The four ninja stood in a loose group in the grassy park.

Iruka gave Tsunade a desperate look. "We drew sticks, and you got the short one."

Tsunade threw up her hands in frustration. "I'm technically not even his sensei!" She began to walk away.

"Besides," Iruka continued, "would you rather have one of them do it instead?" He gestured to Kakashi and Jiraiya, who were huddled together over a small book, the title of which read _Icha Icha Paradise_.

Tsunade turned around, glared forcefully, and stomped away, muttering under her breath.

"So you'll do it?" Iruka called after her.

She waved a hand dismissively in the air. "Yeah, yeah."

* * *

"Tsunade-baa-chan, you wanted to see me?" A spikey blond head poked through the doorway.

The Hokage sighed, and waved him in. "Naruto, sit down."

Her tone of voice immediately made him nervous. He plopped down in the chair across the desk from her, cautiously scanning the surrounding area for empty sake bottle, but not soothed when he found none. Tsunade simply didn't just leave her precious sake out in the open.

"You remember last week, when you asked Sakura if she wanted to 'butter a muffin' with you?"

He nodded.

"And then she punched you."

Naruto jumped up. "Sasuke said that it meant 'go out on a date'!"

"Sit down."

He sat.

"So you came and asked us what it meant," Tsunade continued, "and Jiraiya, the stupid toad, told you, quite bluntly, exactly what it meant."

Naruto stayed completely clueless as to where it was heading.

"So you asked, 'What does that mean?'" Tsunade rubbed her temples. "Luckily, I stopped him before he scarred you too heavily." She sighed and leaned forward on her desk. Naruto shifted uncomfortably in his chair.

After a long preparational silence, Tsunade spoke again. "Well, me, Iruka, Kakashi, and Jiraiya have decided to give a special talk."

"Why aren't they here then?" Naruto asked.

"Because they decided it'd be much easier to send me into the lion's den, so they can amuse themselves by watching me get torn to shreds."

Naruto thought it best to keep his mouth shut, for once.

"Anyway. The talk. You know that story, that babies are brought to their parents by a stork? Well it's not true. Babies are conceived in a woman's body, where they grow and eventually are born from."

"How do the babies get there in the first place?"

"See, the boy… injects… his genes into the woman's body."

"Why would he put his jeans in her?"

"No, Naruto, not jeans, genes. G-e-n-e-s."

"Where does it go in?"

"There's a special place on a woman that is sort of like a… like a… tunnel… for it to go through, into the womb, where it meets with an egg. And the egg and the boy's genes come together, and, after nine months, grow into a baby.

"But how does it get _in_ the tunnel?"

"The boy has a… unique thing… that he puts into her… tunnel…"

"But wouldn't that hurt the girl?"

"Only the first time. But usually it's very… enjoyable… for both of them."

"Why would it hurt the first time?"

"Because the girl isn't used to it and it's sort of… an unexpected feeling."

"Oh."

There was a very pregnant pause.

"I still don't understand."

In a flurry of frustration, Tsunade grabbed a book from a drawer in her desk and slammed it down in front of the ignorant blond. Flipping it open, she pointed and said, "That's the tunnel, that's how it goes it, and that's the genes. Understand?"

Naruto's ears grew bright red and he toppled to the ground.

Kakashi jumped in through the window, Jiraiya quickly following, and Iruka walked in through the door.

"Nice," said Kakashi.

"Oh, yeah, and _I_ would've scarred him," scoffed Jiraiya.

"Tsunade…" sighed Iruka.

"Shut up. I'm technically not even his sensei!" She snatched a bottle of sake from under her desk and took a deep swig. When she was finished, she said, "We'll just do another memory block and try again tomorrow. It's your turn, Jiraiya. Try not to make him scream this time."

* * *

**Ha ha ha. That was hard. So awkward. I'm pretty sure 'preparational' isn't a word… oh well. Got the idea from the Naruto Plot Bunny Orphanage. It was: "Naruto's sensei (in the plural) try to decide who will take on the job of telling him what parents are supposed to tell him" Besides that, I never write M stories. Wow. Anyway, review!**

**- Red**


	2. Epilogue

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.**

"You wanted to see me?" Naruto's blond, spikey head appeared in the doorway. Iruka, Kakashi, Jiraiya were standing beside Tsunade, who was sitting at her desk, rubbing her temples.

"We wanted to give you a talk," Iruka said slowly.

"About-"

"About girls and boys, and babies," said Tsunade, sharply cutting off Jiraiya.

Kakashi said nothing, and glanced at the window as if dying to jump out of it.

"You know, for some reason, this all seems really familiar…" Naruto said.

Tsunade laughed awkwardly. "Does it? Well, see, the thing is…"

"We wanted to talk to you about how babies are made," Kakashi said, not bothering to ease up to it.

"You see," said Iruka. "Babies-"

"I know," Naruto said, interrupting with a grin.

"You know?" Jiraiya raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah. The guys told me about a couple days ago." He frowned. "I had to wear a dress to get the answer, though."

The four adults looked relieved.

"Oh…" said Iruka. "Nevermind then…"

Naruto turned to leave. "Oh, by the way," he paused in the doorway, "Do you know what I've been doing at around three in the afternoon for the past week? It's like I'm always blanking out at that time… I can't remember a thing from then."

"It's nothing, Naruto. Now get out," Tsunade said, sighing and waving him away.

"But-"

"Get out!"

Naruto left.

"All that wasted time…" Kakashi sighed.

"So many tries… all for nothing…" Iruka said.

"Ugh…" Tsunade moaned.

Jiraiya giggled. "Hey, Tsunade, why did you have an _Icha Icha Paradise_ book, anyway?"

"Shut up!" she grabbed an empty sake bottle and chucked it at his head.

_**I decided to add a little epilogue. Short, but I thought it was sort of funny… review please!**_

_**- Red**_


	3. Author's Note

**_So, I got an anonymous review from someone telling me that there is a narutoxshizune story that this one is identical to. Before there's any controversy, I just wanted to make it absolutely clear that I did not and would never rip off someone else's work. I know how hard people work on their stories, writing and editing and changing, and I think that it's horrible that people would actually copy a story and call it their own. The fact that this story is similar to that one is completely coincidental. If anyone knows the narutoxshizune story in question, I ask that they pm it over to me, because I'd like to read it and see the improvements I could make in my writing. Once again, this story is written completely by me, and I thank the anonymous reviewer for pointing out that there is a fanfic that's nearly the same as this one. I just want to make sure that there is no confusion over it._**

**_- Red_**


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